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When Will A Retarded Super-Computer Compete On Wheel of Fortune?

This week saw the premiere of a super-computer named Watson competing against top champions on Jeopardy. It was an epic battle of man versus machine that truly tested how advanced technology has become and whether we can make a robot smarter than the human brain. The question that all viewers of ABC syndication are asking is when will a retarded robot compete on Wheel of Fortune?

We are all curious about the battle of the human brain against artificial intelligence. But what about the battle that people whose own brains are barely forms of human life, thought and function? This is why we have Wheel of Fortune.

Knowing the names of Kings and Queens who rules during obscure plays of the Middle Ages is great for the small percentage of the population who wants to see America’s smartest being challenged. But what about the rest of us? That’s why we have Wheel of Fortune right after Jeopardy. It lets us know that it’s not only perfectly all right to be an idiot, it is preferred. Three morons compete in a game of shouting out letters.

So why can’t they do a super-computer promotion with this game show? Obviously it can’t be a real super-computer. An average Dell desktop would destroy a real human being in this competition. What we need is a computer specially designed by IBM to be retarded.

Instead of naming it Watson, it could be named Watty. Or it would try and spell its name backwards in crayon. It would pick up the placards on the board and throw them at its opponents. Just yell, “Hooray!” at inopportune times and be afraid of noises. Watty the retarded computer could shout out letters when it’s not its turn or start screaming (or just have “TILT” appear on its screen) if someone accidentally touches its ears.

Wheel of Fortune fans want a computer challenge, but they want the contest to be close. IBM would have to design the computer to shout out the same letter three turns in a row forcing Pat Sajak to chime in with an annoyed, “The Z has already been used for chrissakes.” Vanna White is filing her nails in boredom and the audience is trying to hold their laughter in.

Can MIT technicians design the Wheel of Fortune retarded super computer to be unable to solve a puzzle with the entire thing filled in except for a couple letters? Like if the clue is “Phrase,” and everything has been solved except for, “The end justi_ies the means,” we need a computer stupid enough to shout out, “J!”

We all want to see the pinnacle of artificial intelligence. When Pat Sajak asks the contests for their quirky and lame stories, we want the computer to chime in with, “My not-retarded brother plays a lot of chess.” It is time that people too stupid for Jeopardy have their own computer that is a little slow as well. Only then, will our robots be on par with the television-loving public.

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