Max Lance Typing

What’s the Protocol For Spotting Internet Dating Profiles of Girls You Know?

Five. Five in one weekend. I guess maybe one or two for the entire city of Los Angeles would be pretty reasonable, but what does it say that in one weekend I found the OKcupid pages of five different girls I know? For starters, it says that I’m completely addicted to sitting at home and grading girls rather than leaving my apartment to talk to them. This is how people who don’t socialize do confidence.

It says that my female friends really don’t want to have sex with me. This is apparent. My female friends putting up their online profile is sort of like them saying, “Hey, I really want to get laid, but I’m going to put that offer out to the entire Internet rather than give you a shot. Don’t get me wrong, you’re nice, but I’m going to aim for one step up from the CraigsList Casual Encounters instead. However, when I do find an Internet stranger to have sex with, I’ll tell you all about it because you’re such a good friend.”

Not that I have created a profile or anything of course. I was, uh, on a friend’s, um, page, who accidentally uploaded photos of me. Crazy guy. Leaving his password on my computer like that. Uhh, right. Anyway…

One of the girls I recognized was actually cut out of a photo of mine from a night when I was trying to have sex with her. That is an epic fail on many levels, both real and virtual, and I don’t know how these dating sites are supposed to quantify how much of a loser that makes you. Do they have one of those gift things you can mark up on your page? They have the candy for eye candy and a bear for smarter than the average bear. What about pictures of one-hit wonder bands from the 90s to let you know that your chance at amounting to anything are way behind you? Like you can have a little album cover of Eagle-Eye Cherry or the Bloodhound Gang for “Didn’t amount to much.”

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The question this really raises though is how I’m supposed to act around these girls when I see them in person. Do they know that I was on there (through my, um, friend who is in Canada who logged in through my IP address)? Do they know that I know they were on there? Do I have to drop subtle hints when I ask them about how their personal lives are going? “So, have your dates been ‘on line’ with what you were expecting?” Or, “Did you take a guy home to, ‘log in to your account?’ Eh? Eh? Get it?” This is why I’m single, by the way.

I think the worst-case scenario is simply knowing that there was no physical attraction whatsoever and having the supercomputers say that we’re a match made in Heaven except we both think we’re ugly. Again, there needs to be a little sticker on the profile page for this. Like a couple of flames to symbolize that we both think we’re ugly as all hell.

And maybe that’s what’s needed after all. A dating site that completely destroys your self-confidence so that you stop trying to get laid and do something productive with yourself. Wouldn’t that be nice? If you spent days getting your entire profile accurate and in order and then you get a message from the computer that tells you to buy cats. The amount of entrepreneurial spirit that this would motivate would act as a stimulus package in its own right.

But as it is, here’s to our mutual desperation and disinterest in one another. Drink up and back to work.

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