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Should Movie Theaters Institute Segregated Seating For Pedophiles During the Justin Bieber Movie?

With Justin Bieber’s new movie [finally] on the horizon, pedophiles who are both cinephiles and casual movie-goers are flocking away from playgrounds and to their local AMC to catch the latest blockbuster. But a debate is raging over whether or not these lovers of films and children alike should have their own Jim Crow-type seating arrangement.

On one hand, examining the very debate is part of the problem because pedophiles are kind of people too. Not very nice ones, granted. Well, they’re nice to you if you’re a child. Typically, though, they tend to be greasy, overweight creeps with an ice cream cone for themself and one for little Timmy. But should they be allowed to purchase this ice cream cone at the same concession stand as non-pedophiles during the Justin Bieber movie?

While we do not have separate seating for pedophiles during other movies, never before has there been a cinematic event with the kind of attention and demand garnered by Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. Complicating the debate is that we don’t know as to whether the pedophile is there for his fellow audience member or the star himself.

Both pedophiles and racists would be offended at the comparison to the Jim Crow era. As illustrated so thoroughly in masterpieces like The Warmth of Other Suns, separation tended not to be equal. If we really were to banish these pedophiles to the balcony level, shouldn’t that be counteracted by providing them young children so that their enjoyment can match that of everyone else in the theater?

“Of course not,” the anti-pedophile lobby would shout. But this is a more convoluted issue than your average movie-going experience. Take a film like Cats Vs. Dogs, for example. If there is a three hundred pound man sitting alone and ogling children, then he is probably – and rightfully – going to be kicked out. These men are easy to identify, since they would be the ones not wearing 3D glasses.

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The issue with Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, is that there might be more pedophiles in the audience than regular movie-goers. This is the perfect storm for a pedophile. A teenage heartthrob on stage and a riot of pre-teen fans congregating all over. Would we be doing the movie and director (does this movie have a director?) a good service by allowing pedophiles to enjoy just the film, rather than the crowd?

This is a debate between public safety versus entertainment that is meant to protect both children and the artistic integrity of pointing cameras at a high-pitched man-woman mix that pedophiles like to stare at. Should we be ashamed by our history and separate these classes of movie-goers from each other? Or maybe this is finally the moment when children and pedophiles will put their differences aside and unite for the Bieber.

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