Max Lance Typing

Why Hasn’t There Been An Ocean Spill of the World’s Most Expensive Black Liquid Commodity: Printer Ink

Not one to be outmuscled in the global market, BP has upped the ante on Exxon-Mobil by not just dumping a ship’s worth of oil directly onto seagulls, but has done the favor of directly unleashing the Earth’s supply straight into the water, thus cutting out the middleman of a drunken sailor. It makes you think about why these kind of programs to make sea-animals more viscous keep occuring.

Granted the entire BP oil spill could be a brilliant viral marketing campaign undertaken by Slip N Slide, but despite a bunch of animals that look like they’ve put on blackface for a minstral show, you can’t help but wonder why these kinds of Bounty Paper Towel spill commercials times a million keep happening.

Part of the argument is that oil is such a valuable commodoty that we risk these kind of disasters because the overall gain of transportation and power is too valuable. Here’s the thing, though. If this is true, then why do we never face serious environmental disasters with the single most expensive and rare commodoty on the face of the Earth: print cartridge ink.

Sure filling a tank with gasoline will run you thirty bucks or so, but have you ever tried to fill an HP inkjet with photo-printing capabilities? The black ink alone hovers around $70 then you’re talking another thirty or so for each color. This is convenient if you want to print a photo of a baby seal covered in oil since you won’t have to run the full color palatte, but for sunnier days you’re in a bit of trouble. My question is that if this seems to happen all the time with oil, why hasn’t it happened yet with the much more valuable resource of printer ink?

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The truth is that we need to wean ourselves off of our dependancy on foreign printer ink, and maybe it will take a disaster on this kind of epic scale to shake us from our addiction. Everyone knows that the real cause of the war in Afghanistan is to take control of the printer ink wells as Hamid Karzai is known to continuously steer Afghan politics to be more favorable to the Americans’ usage of Times New Roman, but it’s getting out of hand.

Our drilling off the Courier New Pipeline Coast in Alaska – the rare spot on Earth filled with polar bears, panda bears, and koala bears is seriously at risk once we get a drunk oil tank driver up there to transport our much-prized toner. You thought the Gulf oil spill was bad? Wait until you see a bunch of baby seals doused in Epson Stylus Turquoise Dye.

How will people be able to print out copies of their resumes? The entire economy will come to a crashing halt. Scandelous bored-at-work e-mails will be uncovered by bosses since they can no longer be printed and deleted, and those of us without GPS will find ourselves with no recourse to print directions to the fund-raiser to benefit the seals who are covered in ink yet, sadly, have fins that don’t allow them to type.

Until we can develop computer keyboards that sea lions and penguins will be able to slap and create some prose, whether it’s HP, Canon, Kodak, Epson or Lexmark, we’re skating on thin ice. The kind of thin ice that the lost tanker carrying your “cyan gold” will wander through before running aground. We need to learn our lessons, whether it’s by finding natural resources to print our “Signs you might be Italian” lists and school essay that you paid someone else to write online. Disaster is near, and you can read the reading on the wall in clearly-printed Helvetica. For now, at least.

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