Max Lance Comedy

Buy Crazy Girls

Crazy Girls, my first book about nightmare dates, was number one on the Amazon Kindle Singles Bestsellers List.

High School Summary

High School Summary is a Student Emmy Award-Nominated web series by Max Lance and Dan Lance summarizing high school subjects in four-minute animated shorts.

The Trip Next Door

The Trip Next Door is a hiking and travel show hosted by Max Lance and produced by Mainspring Productions.

Bio

Max Lance writes dick jokes in screenplay-format. A graduate of USC’s film school, his award-winning work has been published across an array of media.

Portfolio

Loglines, awards, distinctions and summaries of Max Lance’s writing samples, which can be requested off the contact page.

Americans Saying America is The Best Country is The Same As Loud, Fat Sports Fans Saying Their Home Team is The Best

March 28th, 2011

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Many people are quick to label America the best country in the world, and there was something about this grand proclamation that struck a cord that I finally placed. It is exactly when loser fans of high-spending winning teams say that their team is the best in the world, yet the fans themselves have never done anything in their lives but cheer on real winners.

America might be the Yankees, Celtics and Steelers, but Americans are the fans of the Yankees, Celtics and Steelers. A bunch of loud and overweight chest-thumping losers who failed to live up to the potential of top players on the field. Instead, we question the decisions of leaders and pick fights with rivals.

We Can’t Let The Crisis in Japan Detract From The Uprisings in Charlie Sheen

March 22nd, 2011

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Typical American news junkie, latching onto the news of the day, the crisis of the week, the humanitarian effort of the month. One world-changing event after another makes us immediately forget the previous crisis that is still ongoing. This is why we must not allow the Japanese earthquake, tsunami and nuclear emergency make us forget about Charlie Sheen.

He is still saying crazy shit and winning with tiger blood every day. Yet we have become so focused on donating humanitarian aid to the Red Cross and Doctors Without Borders that we’re dropping our obligations to blogging about Charlie Sheen’s Twitter feed. How much nuclear fallout is it going to take for us to completely forget that a TV star is living with porn stars?

The striking fact is that there is absolutely nothing else going on in the world except for the recovery efforts in Japan and Charlie Sheen being crazy. Yet the amount of attention that we now give to Sheen is far less than its market share. Quick, without googling it: how many tickets have been sold for Charlie Sheen’s tour?

Exactly. If we really cared about more than one issue in the world, then you would have that answer off the top of your head. What are you doing instead? Buying iodine tablets? Purchasing gas masks? Stockpiling canned food and water? You should be stockpiling winning just as much.

I am not saying that you should ignore Japan. The Japanese deserve our help, donations and prayers in this time of need. This doesn’t mean that we can just write-off news stories that held prominence just a week earlier. To act like Charlie Sheen doesn’t deserve equal attention is like saying you never cared about him in the first place.

Chaim Levine. Greedy CBS bastards. My favorite twins. Divorce agreements. Winning. Tiger blood. The Warlock? Does any of this ring a bell? Well, guess what? It’s still an issue in the world, one which we are completely ignoring for a little bit of nuclear radiation fallout.

I have got another nuclear meltdown to tell you about. It’s a little failed power plant on the island of the twins that I like to call Charlie Sheen. You used to care about his batshit crazy antics not very long ago, but all of a sudden you have seemed to put priorities on your news stories. It is time to be consistent about your donations, efforts and donations. Let’s start caring about what matters. It isn’t just Japan. It is the man who will single handedly save Japan. It is Charlie Sheen.

The Middle East And North Africa Really Want To See Tits

February 23rd, 2011

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The unrest sparked in Tunisia that has spread across North Africa and the Middle East is on the precipice of changing the way that the Arab world sees tits. For decades, autocratic rulers have held all the power when it comes to viewing tits and now citizens are taking to the streets to protest.

Whether you blame the Islamic Revolutions of the 1970s, the partitioning of the region by the Allied Powers after World War II or go all the way back to the Middle Ages, the accessibility of viewing tits in the Middle East has always been a privilege of the powerful. Human rights have been stripped in ways that burqas have not and autocratic regimes with militaristic leaders have ruled with an iron fist.

As revolution spreads, we see that all across the region, ordinary people are uniting en masse for their right to see tits, ta-tas, boobies, bozongas, however it is pronounced throughout the Arab world. It is time for modernity and these governments have seen that their people will fight equal access to a free press, speech and due process to all work in conjunction to show tits.

First Tunisia was like, “This is ridiculous. I think we should do something about not seeing tits.” Then Egypt was like, “That’s a really good idea.” So then Egypt overthrew their leader, which sparked similar outrages in Bahrain, Iran and Yemen.

However, as we now see in Libya, leaders like Gaddafi are more willing to spread blood than to allow citizens the right to see tits. Hundreds of innocent Libyans have perished in the struggle and we can’t let their deaths be in vain. Do your part and demand that these leaders allow their citizens the access that all humans deserve: to see all of humans. They have cut off access to the Internet, they have shut down Twitter and Facebook. All we can receive are snippets of the tragedy occurring.

It is the duty of women throughout the western world to get images of their tits into Libya by any means possible. Whether it is through social media (just tag these images #Libya so that only people in Libya will click the link), through codes, secure servers or air lifting leaflets of topless pictures, it is all of our responsibility to free your bras for the freedom of the oppressed.

As we are seeing occur right now in the Middle East and Northern Africa, both citizens and unjust rulers are willing to march, protest and fight to see tits that have been held only by those in power. Show us your tits and I will show you a revolution.

When Will A Retarded Super-Computer Compete On Wheel of Fortune?

February 16th, 2011

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This week saw the premiere of a super-computer named Watson competing against top champions on Jeopardy. It was an epic battle of man versus machine that truly tested how advanced technology has become and whether we can make a robot smarter than the human brain. The question that all viewers of ABC syndication are asking is when will a retarded robot compete on Wheel of Fortune?

We are all curious about the battle of the human brain against artificial intelligence. But what about the battle that people whose own brains are barely forms of human life, thought and function? This is why we have Wheel of Fortune.

Knowing the names of Kings and Queens who rules during obscure plays of the Middle Ages is great for the small percentage of the population who wants to see America’s smartest being challenged. But what about the rest of us? That’s why we have Wheel of Fortune right after Jeopardy. It lets us know that it’s not only perfectly all right to be an idiot, it is preferred. Three morons compete in a game of shouting out letters.

So why can’t they do a super-computer promotion with this game show? Obviously it can’t be a real super-computer. An average Dell desktop would destroy a real human being in this competition. What we need is a computer specially designed by IBM to be retarded.

Instead of naming it Watson, it could be named Watty. Or it would try and spell its name backwards in crayon. It would pick up the placards on the board and throw them at its opponents. Just yell, “Hooray!” at inopportune times and be afraid of noises. Watty the retarded computer could shout out letters when it’s not its turn or start screaming (or just have “TILT” appear on its screen) if someone accidentally touches its ears.

Wheel of Fortune fans want a computer challenge, but they want the contest to be close. IBM would have to design the computer to shout out the same letter three turns in a row forcing Pat Sajak to chime in with an annoyed, “The Z has already been used for chrissakes.” Vanna White is filing her nails in boredom and the audience is trying to hold their laughter in.

Can MIT technicians design the Wheel of Fortune retarded super computer to be unable to solve a puzzle with the entire thing filled in except for a couple letters? Like if the clue is “Phrase,” and everything has been solved except for, “The end justi_ies the means,” we need a computer stupid enough to shout out, “J!”

We all want to see the pinnacle of artificial intelligence. When Pat Sajak asks the contests for their quirky and lame stories, we want the computer to chime in with, “My not-retarded brother plays a lot of chess.” It is time that people too stupid for Jeopardy have their own computer that is a little slow as well. Only then, will our robots be on par with the television-loving public.

Should Movie Theaters Institute Segregated Seating For Pedophiles During the Justin Bieber Movie?

February 9th, 2011

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With Justin Bieber’s new movie [finally] on the horizon, pedophiles who are both cinephiles and casual movie-goers are flocking away from playgrounds and to their local AMC to catch the latest blockbuster. But a debate is raging over whether or not these lovers of films and children alike should have their own Jim Crow-type seating arrangement.

On one hand, examining the very debate is part of the problem because pedophiles are kind of people too. Not very nice ones, granted. Well, they’re nice to you if you’re a child. Typically, though, they tend to be greasy, overweight creeps with an ice cream cone for themself and one for little Timmy. But should they be allowed to purchase this ice cream cone at the same concession stand as non-pedophiles during the Justin Bieber movie?

While we do not have separate seating for pedophiles during other movies, never before has there been a cinematic event with the kind of attention and demand garnered by Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. Complicating the debate is that we don’t know as to whether the pedophile is there for his fellow audience member or the star himself.

Both pedophiles and racists would be offended at the comparison to the Jim Crow era. As illustrated so thoroughly in masterpieces like The Warmth of Other Suns, separation tended not to be equal. If we really were to banish these pedophiles to the balcony level, shouldn’t that be counteracted by providing them young children so that their enjoyment can match that of everyone else in the theater?

“Of course not,” the anti-pedophile lobby would shout. But this is a more convoluted issue than your average movie-going experience. Take a film like Cats Vs. Dogs, for example. If there is a three hundred pound man sitting alone and ogling children, then he is probably – and rightfully – going to be kicked out. These men are easy to identify, since they would be the ones not wearing 3D glasses.

The issue with Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, is that there might be more pedophiles in the audience than regular movie-goers. This is the perfect storm for a pedophile. A teenage heartthrob on stage and a riot of pre-teen fans congregating all over. Would we be doing the movie and director (does this movie have a director?) a good service by allowing pedophiles to enjoy just the film, rather than the crowd?

This is a debate between public safety versus entertainment that is meant to protect both children and the artistic integrity of pointing cameras at a high-pitched man-woman mix that pedophiles like to stare at. Should we be ashamed by our history and separate these classes of movie-goers from each other? Or maybe this is finally the moment when children and pedophiles will put their differences aside and unite for the Bieber.

When Hitler Said The Japanese Were “Honorary Aryans,” Doesn’t That Seem Like Something The Ruler of a Tree House Would Do?

February 4th, 2011

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It seems important to start this post by clarifying I have several other qualms with Adolph Hitler. This is, by far, pretty low on the list of annoying things Hitler did in his lifetime, and given the opportunity to remark upon his record, this would not carry the same magnitude as a couple other of his decisions. But, really, doesn’t the whole labeling of the Japanese as “Honorary Aryans” seem like the catty declaration of a twelve-year-old?

It is exactly like one of those things where a kid starts a club, rules out a large swath of people, then realizes someone in that group has something the kid needs and he backtracks. What does the kid do? On one hand, you can make friends, possibly share something from your lunch box and invite the person over to play Wii. On the other hand, you can invade Poland.

Clearly kids like this don’t think through their exclusive clubs, alliances and treehouses. They accidentally rule out someone who has the latest version of Modern Warfare, or is currently engaging the United States in the Asian theater of modern warfare. Then they need to backpedal and come up with some dumb excuse to let that guy into the club. Something like, “You’re an honorary member of the club.” It’s just so happens that this particular treehouse happened to be Nazi Germany.

This is the problem I have with what Hitler did. It’s not the fact that he murdered millions of ethnic minorities, although I certainly don’t approve. It’s that he went about selecting who not to kill in a very childish manner. Own up to it, Adolph. You could have said, “Well, the Japanese aren’t as pure as the Germans, but you also don’t like the Soviets, so let’s work together.” Instead, Hitler said, “Here’s a special badge I made out of construction paper so that you can be the exception to my club house.”

It is wrong to exclude people from your club, regardless of whether you meet in a treehouse, grove of pine needles or the Führerbunker. It is then the decisive move of an asshole to murder anyone who you deem to not be racially or ethnically fit to belong in your club. You would think that exclusion would be good enough, you don’t then have to extend your reach across all of Europe’s middle schools.

This makes Hitler the biggest dick of all the fifth grade bullies the world has ever known. Whether he was taking the lunch money of Ukrainians or laying siege to millions of Russians so that he could stick their heads into toilets, he didn’t have to go so far as to saying one group of excluded people were “Honorary members.” It is inconsistent of a bully and makes him seem weak while playing cruel mind games on other less popular minorities who want honorary membership as well.

We can remark upon how unfair and murderous Hitler’s treehouse club was. Hopefully it has made us all better people and we can all live harmoniously in a loving treehouse where everyone is equal and accepted, except for those who are stopped by the sign that proudly proclaims, “No girls allowed.”

Big Bear Vacation Video

February 2nd, 2011

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Big Bear is located two-and-a-half hours East of Los Angeles and features some of the best – and only – skiing within two-and-a-half hours of Los Angeles.

Directions: Take the 210 until you go uphill. When you hit water, you’re there.

It is a nice mix of local restaurants and shops that are owned by people who live elsewhere and are staffed by minorities that the real locals hate. Throw in a whole lot of yuppies and you have yourself a vacation destination!

Why Do Cats Love Fish So Much If They Hate Water?

January 26th, 2011

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Why is it that cats go insane at the scent of tuna? Any fish-like scent will make a cat climb a vertical wall to get their paws on it, yet getting anywhere close to water scares the hell out of them. Why does this paradox go so unexplored?
How did they evolve the taste for fish when cats don’t go in the water? Do they fish? I can’t imagine that they stood by the banks of a particularly fishy river and dabbed their paws inside at just the right time so as to grab some trout. By the same token, I have yet to see a cat don scuba gear and dive into a reef off Catalina.

Do they make scuba gear small enough for a cat to fish? Can they wear midget or child-size outfits, and if so, how do they wrap their little paws around the spear? Or do they hold a fishing net in their teeth while hoping some gullies will swim by?

I just want to find the evolutionary link between enjoying fish so much and also being deathly afraid of water. How did this happen? Is it still engrained from when they were in the water back when humans and cats had a common ancestor? If this is so, why did cats choose to evolve to be cats? Humans can talk. If they had evolved this way, then they would simply be able to say, “I’d like some fish please.” I assume that my cat-like human growth evolutionary creature will still have some manners.

Maybe they just have those tiny little noses so they can only pick up the scent of foods that are strong enough to have girls not make out with you for a few months. Anchovies, sardines, halibut. The kind of stuff that makes a girl give you a stick of gum after eating it, those are the only foods strong enough for a cat’s tiny little snout to pick up.

The most likely scenario is that the fish have been taunting cats for years. I can see no other connection to cats hating water and loving fish other than the fish knowing that cats can’t swim, and therefore mercilessly flip insults from the safe haven of their lakes and steams. This is probably part of the reason cats hate water, too. It is associated with the belittling remarks of little flippers, gullies and trouts scurrying along the surface while yelling, “Fuck you,” “big ears” and “pussy.” The last one was obvious, but you shouldn’t be picky since they are fish after all.

I think the winner in the war is obvious as fish have been farmed nearly to the point of extinction while cats are beloved around the [Western] world. Yes, cats are eaten in some Asian, Polynesian, Middle Eastern and African nations, but everyone eats fish. They aren’t even safe in the water at this point, let alone getting close enough to actually taunt the fish, which is all that they live for.

The moral of this is that if you are a delicious swimming bit of protein, don’t be bitter about it by making fun of kittens who can’t swim after you. Yes, it is amusing and fun, for sure, but when you end up in the can when it’s all said and done, it’d be nice to enjoy my fish unmolested by Whiskers for once.

My Dream Superpower Is Getting More Pathetic The Older I Become

December 23rd, 2010

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My dream superpowers used to be awesome. I don’t know if I had fewer demands, less practicalities or just a better imagination when I was a kid, but my imaginary world superpowers used to be really cool. This weekend, I posed the same question to myself and found the results to be a really sad reflection on everything I want out of life.

When I was a kid, it was a tough call between being invisible and being able to fly. Flight had an early lead since I could soar over New York City, see everyone’s homes, hang out with the birds and scare the hell out of window-seat passengers on airplanes.

I always thought that would be kind of neat to share casual hellos with people staring out the window of a 747, never taking in mind the suction of the nearby jet engine. That’s not what a superpower entails. I could take huge leaps, impress everyone at school and catch any fly ball, thus earning a starting spot with the Yankees. Then puberty hit and invisibility made a roaring comeback.

Flying was useless in the face of staring creepily near the showers of the popular girls of Staples High School. Yeah, I could rob banks and sneak into any event that I desired, but who cares when you’re thirteen and naked girls can’t see you? There is no superpower greater in the world to a tween boy than the prospect of seeing boobs in the pre-Internet age. Hell and high water and the like.

Of course now I could simply walk into a strip club with my current income level and would have no problem with seeing boobs and being invisible to those same naked girls whose high school hotness led to too many bad life decisions. I don’t really want to fly, I could get hit by a jet, I’d run out of energy halfway across the Pacific Ocean. What if I get hungry and I’m too far from the nearest Quiznos chain? Yeah I could forgo traffic, but why would I want to fly to work earlier than necessary? Great, I could be told by my boss that I suck ten minutes earlier in the morning. Thanks, flying power.

Invisibility? Still has its allure with getting to go places and stealing money, but I want to be useful. If no one can see me then it takes the luster away from the already-useless college degree. There was a period in college when I wanted the superpower to have sex without protection and never get an STD or knock a girl up. It was both unimaginative and creative at the same time.

Lately, though, my dream superpowers have become sad and pathetic. They are a terrible reflection of how much I have completely resigned and thrown in the towel with my entire life. Let’s go through some of my dream superpowers I have recently listed:

Ability to eat whatever I want without gaining weight
My girlfriend completely understands what I meant to say, rather than her interpretation of how it came out of my mouth
A raise
Incredible anti-baldness
The amazing power of spite, where everyone I performed stand-up with in New York can’t be famous
People to feel compelled to buy lunch for me
Ability to always feel fun drunk/buzzed without getting sick

I feel as though the only way to make my life to work out this ideally would be if I was a victim in a toxic spill. I could also have been trapped in a radiation chamber or found myself on a new planet where my body reacted differently than on Earth.

The moral of the story is know what you want out of life. If you set your goals and clearly define what you want to accomplish, then you’ll know how to properly answer “What would your superpower be?” since it’s the only way your dreams will come true.

Reserved-Seating Movie Theaters Need to Implement Awkwardness Protection

December 18th, 2010

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When the theater is packed, it makes sense. Reserved-seat movie houses have eliminated the problem faced by couples or groups of friends going to a blockbuster on opening night. However, this novelty of assigning seats completely backfires for two in the afternoon matinees on a Wednesday.You no longer have to lay out a blizzard’s worth of coats along a row to hold seats for stragglers. No more first dates where you end up sitting five sections apart (this usually happens by the end of my second date). No more bartering with people to move over so you can jam your group into a makeshift section in the first row of the theater. Now you know if you have seats and don’t need to rush. On a crowded night, it’s perfect. But only on a crowded night.

Why have reserved-seat theaters failed to implement reserved seats only when needed and allow movies to be first-come first-serve when the place is empty? Theaters like the Arclight, Landmark in Westwood and AMC Century City need awkwardness protection when you reserve seats.

Maybe the technology isn’t there to sell tickets with some show times being reserved-seating and others being open seating. So what they should do is add some sort of computer program that makes sure that you aren’t sitting directly next to a complete stranger when the rest of the movie theater is empty. Some of us like going to the movies when it isn’t crowded. I have taken days off from work because there are a bunch of movies I want to see and I refuse to go on a weekend specifically because I don’t like other people. When I go to a nearly-empty theater, I don’t want to be told to sit near a stranger.

Does this ever happen to you? If you go to a theater alone or with a friend for like a noon showing on Wednesday? Then you see one other person and you have that, “Oh, shit” moment when you see the stranger make his way closer and closer because that’s where he chose to sit? Learn how to read the freaking computer screen! Red seats are taken, green are available, you moron! It’s not like the place had only one remaining seat for the 1 P.M. Monday showing of Due Date, so you had to click THE ONE RED SEAT and the computer registered you as having to sit right next to me. You are an idiot and now this is uncomfortable for all of us.

What do you do? Do you get up and move one seat over? I prefer turning to the stranger and asking, “What the hell were you thinking?” It is going to be uncomfortable either way, why not try and make him feel as stupid as he is for putting us in this position?

Arclight should simply solve this problem by having all seat selection include a two-seat buffer around any already-reserved seat. Let’s say you and your date go to the movies, when you choose your two seats, you automatically reserve the seats on the other sides of you as well. That way, you can avoid that tremendous awkwardness where you are sharing one cup holder with a person you don’t know.

This is the movie theater-equivalent of when you are using one out of ten empty urinals and a total stranger uses the one right next to you for no reason at all. Except that movie theaters are telling people where to pee.

If it becomes crowded and the mathematical possibilities don’t work, then, yes, you open up those buffer seats. But for weekday afternoon showings? Seriously? I have to listen to some other out-of-work writer throw in his stupid opinion to his fat friend because they don’t know how to read a computer screen? Movie theaters go out of their way for the handicapped, hearing impaired, parents and kids. Isn’t it time that we show consideration for people who want to avoid awkwardness with your shoddily-designed assigned-seat requirements? Keep the discussion alive, preferably not next to each other when we’re strangers in an empty theater.