Max Lance Comedy

Buy Crazy Girls

Crazy Girls, my first book about nightmare dates, was number one on the Amazon Kindle Singles Bestsellers List.

High School Summary

High School Summary is a Student Emmy Award-Nominated web series by Max Lance and Dan Lance summarizing high school subjects in four-minute animated shorts.

The Trip Next Door

The Trip Next Door is a hiking and travel show hosted by Max Lance and produced by Mainspring Productions.

Bio

Max Lance writes dick jokes in screenplay-format. A graduate of USC’s film school, his award-winning work has been published across an array of media.

Portfolio

Loglines, awards, distinctions and summaries of Max Lance’s writing samples, which can be requested off the contact page.

Buy Crazy Girls

July 19th, 2011

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Have you ever gone on a first date with a total psycho? How about someone who showed you the satchel of cocaine she keeps under her pillow? Or takes you to Bible study to convert you? Or tells you her date rape story in horrific detail?

My first book, Crazy Girls, is available for sale on the Amazon Kindle Singles. It debuted at number one on the Kindle Singles Bestseller List and 11th for all Kindle sales in its first weekend. Costs less than a dollar and takes an hour to read. Crazy Girls is being reviewed as “Required reading for anyone who has ever had a terrible date…” and “An amazing read from first line to last.”

Any support, kind reviews, tweeting and Facebook posts and tremendously needed and appreciated. These things entirely depend on word-of-mouth, so any promotion is very generous. Check out the book here.

The Hundreds of Ethnic Minority Groups Make It Really Hard to Be Politically Correct With Your Racism

July 5th, 2011

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Sikhs, a confusing ethnic group for racists

In the 1970s there were three television channels: CBS, NBC and ABC. If you had a show on the air, take an average episode of M*A*S*H for example, you would pull in a bare minimum of twenty million viewers. There weren’t a lot of choices and nobody cared. People didn’t pine for a thousand channels of premium on-demand with a third of the channels requiring you to call your subscriber and another third in Spanish. With all the specific choices and divisions, things have gotten a lot more complicated. I feel like racism has faced the same kind of transformation. It is harder than ever for racists to be politically correct.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that racism is good. What I’m getting at is that if you are racist, which in addition to being a bad thing, must be tremendously difficult if you want to be accurate. There are so many different ethnic minorities, cultural niches and divided sects that make it really difficult to pinpoint the minority group you are trying to degrade.

If you are going to be racist, you want to be politically correct about it, otherwise racists will miss their intended target. Because every community has their own day of pride, or a parade or a national holiday recognized in their American enclave, you want to make sure that you are talking about the right people. If you are trying to be racist against Haitians, is remarkably easy to confuse them with Dominicans, a group that you might not harbor any racist feelings against. If you are trying to be racist against a Puerto Rican, but confuse him for a Mexican, then you look like an uneducated and insensitive bigot. And that’s just Central America and the Caribbean.

Do We Really Need the Riot Fence For the Women’s World Cup?

June 29th, 2011

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As one of a small collection of die-hard American soccer fans, I strongly support the U.S. Women’s National Team in pursuit of the Women’s World Cup trophy. I remember Brandi Chastain sending in the tournament-winning goal in ’99 and followed their early oust in the ’03 and ’07 tournaments. But those riot fences behind the goals. Really?

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for an equal tournament for the female players as the men. And soccer fans should be just as passionate for their country regardless the gender of the competitors. But doesn’t it seem a wee bit excessive to have the women’s tournament surrounded by a forty-foot tall barbed wire-topped barrier used to stop thousands of violent maniacs lighting fires in the stands?

What kind of rioters are we expecting for the Ivory Coast versus Sweden Women’s World Cup match after all? A bunch of Swedish lesbian biker chick women’s soccer fans ready to tear the place apart if their blonde beauties fall in the group stage? Won’t these behemoths be able to scale the fence on their own accord?

Maybe it’s to keep out the thousands of young girls who are there to support their role models. A zombie virus could break out, thus turning these children into an army of crazy undead monsters hell-bent on eating women’s soccer star brains. Protection would then be warranted.

There are riots in Greece right now over the austerity measures. Tens of thousands of Greek youths are striking because they don’t want their retirement age to be raised to the ripe old age of fifty-five, or whatever their dream deal is. Maybe they want to go to Germany (not sure how since the Greece airport employees are kicking back on the beach right now during their strike), and go ape-shit crazy at a women’s soccer match.

Hey, Desktop-Computer-In-Starbucks Guy, You Are An Asshole

June 9th, 2011

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There is actually a part of me that understands where you’re coming from. I’m unemployed. I recently graduated school. I work freelance and I don’t want to sit in my apartment all day. But taking your desktop computer into a coffee shop is going to ruin things for everyone.

How much of an asshole do you have to be to set up your entire home office inside of a mediocre coffee chain? And you have to use the extra large table, don’t you? Because you didn’t just lug your work station inside. You had to make extra trips for the monitor, computer mouse and ergonomic keyboard, you schmuck.

Outdoor Movies Los Angeles – 2011

May 12th, 2011

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2011 Outdoor Movies in Los Angeles. Click on the marker for that location’s schedule, also printed in text below. More locations and films are announced throughout the summer.

View 2011 Outdoor Movies Los Angeles in a larger map

Cinespia – Cemetery Screenings at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery

http://cinespia.org/

May 14 – Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
May 21 – The Shining
May 28 – Vertigo
May 29 – Young Frankenstein

Outdoor Cinema and Food Fest – Various locations around downtown

http://outdoorcinemafoodfest.com

May 28 – There’s Something About Mary – LA State Historic Park
June 4 – Unforgiven – Exposition Park
June 11 – Goodfellas – Exposition Park
June 18 – Old School – Exposition Park
June 25 – The Terminator – Exposition Park
July 2 – The Matrix – LA State Historic Park
July 9 – Edward Scissorhands – TBA
July 16 – Office Space – Grand Hope Park
July 23 – Reservoir Dogs – Exposition Park
July 30 – LA Confidential – LA State Historic Park
August 6 – Fargo – Exposition Park
August 13 – Fight Club – Exposition Park
August 20 – Raiders of the Lost Ark – La Cienega Park
August 27 – Mamma Mia! – Poinsettia Park
September 3 – Close Encounters of the Third Kind – LA Port, San Pedro

Movies on the Terrace – Century City Mall

http://westfield.com/centurycity/cinemas/free-movies

June 16 – Mama Mia! Sing-a-Long
June 23 – Jurassic Park
June 30 – Desperately Seeking Susan
July 7 – Anchorman
July 14 – Sixteen Candles
July 21 – Joe Versus the Volcano
July 28 – Jumanji
August 4 – My Big Fat Greek Wedding
August 11 – Babe
August 18 – Teen Wolf
August 25 – 50 First Dates
September 1 – Jaws
September 8 – Karate Kid
September 15 – School of Rock

Are The “If You See Something, Say Something” Signs on The L.A. Metro Sarcastic?

April 29th, 2011

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I noticed recently that the Los Angeles bus and subway system has instituted the “If you see something, say something” campaign to keep citizens alert of suspicious activity. Am I the only wondering what kind of a pathetic terrorist would take out his attack on the Los Angeles Metro?

For starters, what is the point the terrorist is going to make? If he sets off a dirty bomb laced with C4, nails and shrapnel and blew the entire bus or subway car to pieces, he would kill me and five Mexicans. I am not ready to be memorialized by a bunch of photos of the Virgin Mary, plastic flowers and candles bought at The Dollar Store because a terrorist didn’t know how Los Angeles transportation worked.

You know what constitutes suspicious activity on the Los Angeles subway? Riding the Los Angeles subway. “Who is that guy? He doesn’t look homeless. He might even have a girlfriend. Oh my God, he’s speaking English, call the policia!”

At Least The U.S. Postal Service Didn’t Release Stamps With Those Street Corner Statue Of Liberty Salespeople

April 22nd, 2011

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Last week the United States Postal Service announced they mistakenly put the wrong Statue of Liberty on their stamps. Intending to issue a new series of Forever stamps with Lady Liberty, they accidentally took a photo from the archive of the Statue of Liberty at the New York, New York Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.

Some would argue that this is the true iconography of America: fat, loud, overweight tourists easily duped by marketing claims to blow their paychecks on blackjack tables. It is a hell of a lot easier to see the Statue of Liberty in Vegas than New York City. Cheaper to stay, plenty of places to grab unlimited buffets, plus Paris is right down the block. Do you think any Americans are actually going to Paris? Americans are way too racist for any kind of cultural experience.

The only thing I don’t understand is why didn’t they go full-circle with the Lady Liberty mishap? If you are going to put the wrong Statue of Liberty on your stamps, why don’t you at least put the street corner salespeople who hawk auto insurance, mortgage scams and tax preparation?

My Best Life Prospect At The Moment Is That My Girlfriend Is The Secret Millionaire

April 16th, 2011

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Facing an array of failure on the cusp of my college graduation and impending one-hundred-and-twenty-thousand dollars of student loan debt at the age of twenty-six, my life options have never been more clear. Through a detailed analysis of employment potential, career prospects and quality-of-life projections, the only thing I have going for myself at the moment is hoping that my girlfriend of six months is actually one of those secret millionaires.

Most people might say something stupid like, “The love of your awesome girlfriend is worth more than money,” which is completely true if I wasn’t such a greedy bastard. She is all that I’ve got right now. And I mean that in the most heartfelt way, provided that she is pretending to be a hard-working actor to test my devotion and worthiness of her millions.

Which Childhood Nickelodeon Show Defines You Flow Chart

April 6th, 2011

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USC’s Kappa Sig Fraternity Is Doing Serious Damage To BYU’s Honor Code

March 29th, 2011

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First was the infamous e-mail circulated by Kappa Sig members detailing sorority girls they’ve slept with. Then there was this week’s new definition of public display of affection – sex on a campus building roof in broad daylight. USC has recently taken part in a massive overhaul of BYU’s honor code.

This isn’t to begin mentioning the probably use of caffeine and absence of regular church services. Simply put, if a single USC student were to spend a semester studying in an adjunct program at BYU, the student would sustain the new school’s honor code for approximately twenty-five minutes.

The following is a quick rundown of the BYU honor code along with its violation by recent recreational activities partaken by an average USC student: