The new U.S. Soccer jerseys for the 2010 World Cup today were leaked this week. Here is the home white jersey:
The blue away jersey:
The red third jersey:
I have one major problem with the recent pattern of United States jerseys. My problem is that our home jersey color is white. Here it is in 2008, 2006 and 2004, and I think we can’t win a World Cup is because there is nothing intimidating about white as a home jersey color.
The whole point of your home kit is to terrify the opponents as much as a set of threads can do before the game starts. This is even more important because our recent play won’t do the trick. But going with white is the most bland and pacifist approach you can take.
All of our violent sports use colors as their home threads. The NFL prides itself on a team’s colors. You never hear of a Pittsburgh fan bleeding Steelers’ white with yellow trimming. The NHL used to be family-friendly, then they switched to the home team wearing colors and fans are treated to a minimum of three concussions per game. What about NASCAR. Those cars are loaded with colors. Jimmy Johnson wouldn’t be scared of Mark Martin’s car he looked in his rearview mirror to see a white Toyota Camry.
We could just switch the navy jersey with the white jersey for home and away, or replace the white with red (This was the 2006 throwback to a 1950 jersey). Or why not go with the 1994 denim jersey, which was hailed as one of the worst jerseys of all time. A bunchy of people running around looking like an AIDS-quilt knitted by a retard can be intimidating.
There is only one exception to the home-whites-not-being-scary rule. That exception is Germany. Germany is terrifying when they wear whites as their home jersey because we are all scared of how much they have their shit together. Look at their 2010 World Cup jersey. It’s awesome.
The thing that makes that country so intimidating lies in the fact that we all think of them as being so uniform in their sleekness. They are so formal, clean-cut, and nearly-robotic in their efficiency and work ethic that if you see a German player with his shirt untucked you pass him off as retarded. Your average American does not fall under this category. We need to do everything we can to make other countries believe that our priority of fitness as a country is anywhere close to how many shows we can TiVo at once.
A bunch of undersized Americans lead by lilly white Landon Donovan and Clint Dempsey in their white with cream-white sash are headed off to South Africa to face the world’s top teams. We need every edge we can get. So help us out Nike.