Personalized file-format that allows Word files you create to only work on your computer.
Auto-crash mode will allow MS Office to crash your computer every ten minutes, down from every thirty.
Random-font generator opens your files in a new wacky font code that cannot be changed for your protection.
Auto-table turns any essay over ten pages long into a Venn Diagram.
Dropped the pesky feature that allowed you to operate Office in previous user-friendly versions.
New Microsoft Direct Deposit lets Bill Gates automatically withdraw funds from your checking account.
If you don’t authenticate your copy, a man will break into your home and kidnap your daughter while dressed as Clippy.
Dates will now be reformatted and auto-entered according to Mayan calendar.
Typos automatically inserted into any file named “Resumé.”
If you click on any word anywhere in your document, MS Outlook will now automatically open and try to compose an e-mail to that word.