Max Lance Typing

Is There a Helipad On Top of My Fucking Apartment I Don’t Know About?

I'm trying to sleep, guys

Living near the intersection of Sunset and La Brea in Hollywood sort of feels like living in a freshman year college dorm. Whoever was there before you was like, “This place was already fucked.” Everyone just drove across the country to chase their dreams just to find that the neighborhood of Hollywood is one strip club after another.

But all of this fails to explain why helicopters hover just outside my bedroom window at all hours of every single fucking night.

Seriously, is this out of spite? Do we need the 2 A.M. traffic report? Can’t we have a less wake-everyone-the-fuck-up in the middle of the night way of shining a bright light on the looter. Or, y’know what? Let the thief get away. Waking up the entire district of failing creatives in Hollywood can’t be worth that much less than a flat screen TV, can it? Right?

If we live in the neighborhood of Hollywood then our lives suck enough. Can’t we at least get one night of uninterrupted sleep per week? One. That’s all I’m asking for. I will continue to contribute my failures and taxes to the city of Los Angeles in exchange for one helicopter-free night. We did the whole 405-closure thing for an entire weekend. Can’t they keep Black Hawk Down grounded for a single evening?

Or maybe it’s the helipad on my apartment complex’s roof that they failed to mention in the CraigsList ad. One that’s only open between midnight and six A.M. when I’m supposed to get up at an ungodly hour to beat traffic slower than a parking lot to get to work for a hair above minimum wage. All to make a dent in my $120,000 of crushing student loan debt. No, good thing we have those twenty choppers flying overhead.

Maybe my roof is the only helipad open in all of Los Angeles county in the middle of night. This could be the only possible explanation as to why one chopper is landing after another and a few dozen others have to hover just outside my bedroom fucking window all night long. Does Hollywood really need a 1:1 ratio of criminals to helicopters?

When an apartment is referred to as being in a noisy neighborhood, you think there might be a couple loud parties on the weekends that go into the late hours. Maybe some drunks stumbling down from Happy Endings after they watch a UFC match (do adults really do this?). What I didn’t expect was the entire air show from Battle: Los Angeles to try and have their blades get within ten feet of my blinds.

Here’s a solution: just light up the entire sky ala Truman Show in the case of a really bad criminal. Other than that, he got away. Turn it into daylight for an hour, issue people the kinds of pitch black blinds you get in Alaska or a Ramada Inn and we’ll call it even. It’s sunny all the time in L.A. anyway, no one will ever know.

What about those stealth helicopters that we used to kill Osama Bin Laden? Didn’t we leave one there for China to copy? How hard can it be to get our hands on some Chinese knockoff stealth helicopters? Fly around all night on the quiet ones, but for the love of God let us have one night of sleep.

I am happy to see that my tax dollars go to fighting crime. That doesn’t necessarily mean that 95% of them have to pay for even more helicopters to fly right outside my window. And if the bad guy got away, we showed him with that really fitting punishment of making it hard for him to get a peaceful night sleep. But please, turn the fucking helicopter down.

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