Max Lance Typing

If the Cat In Heat Outside My Window Doesn’t Shut Up, I Will Have Sex With It

Doing unpleasant things for a good night's sleep.

It has been nearly a month straight that a desperate and horny feline has found its way to the ledge outside my apartment on a nightly basis. With her furry rump stuck firmly in the air, she mewls as loud as possible to beg to get laid by anything that might happen to walk by. It is so loud and annoying that if another cat doesn’t come along in the near future, I am going out there and having sex with the cat to shut her up.

For starters, Whiskers out there needs a simple lesson in learning the basics of playing hard to get. No one wants to bang the cat that begs for anyone in the entire neighborhood to give it to her. Maybe acting a little becoming could change things around for her. Like instead of getting on the ledge and yelling out to all of Hollywood, “Please, I need it, anyone, for the love of God get me pregnant,” she could aim for a hint of subtlety. Something like, “Hey, fellas. I seem to be alone on this ledge and have lost my pants.” Let guys connect the dots, Fluffy. Guys like an air of mystery.

It is just sad and awkward to listen any of God’s creatures beg for sex like that. It’s not natural, there is supposed to be some sort of mating game, wooing, competition. Not a woman on a ledge with her ass in the air saying, “Will someone please put a baby in me now. I will do anything!” It’s like when you go too far with porn. You find some really weird German production where the women take it way over the edge and it is more repulsive than attractive. This cat is still out on that ledge and can’t find a single male cat to satisfy her. I suspect she is having the same issue of being too easy.

We are talking straight through the night, every night for the past month. I can’t get sleep anymore. The screeching tones of pathetic desperation piercing my walls is too much. That’s why I have decided that if another cat doesn’t come along and put her out of her misery, I will go out there. There is no other choice; I will creep along the alley, scale the wall, balance myself on the ledge and do the deed myself.

That’s right, for the sake of my entire neighborhood finally getting a night of sleep uninterrupted by a horny cat, I will go outside, center myself on a precipice and have sex with that pathetic and desperate kitty cat. It will certainly be far from pretty. Some may consider this animal abuse, others could label it illegal and some might fear the genetic cat-people to which she might give birth, but as a matter of getting some sleep, there is simply no other solution.

I don’t want something bad to happen to the cat, like if someone called animal control or if I fired a crossbow from my window. I want a good night’s rest and everyone definitely knows what the cat wants. This seems like the only logical solution. Sure, my girlfriend and members of PETA might be a little weirded out, but if I have to have sex with an animal, then so be it.

At first, the cat will probably be pretty freaked. I don’t know if she thinks her screams are only audible to other felines, but it won’t be long before she realizes that her pleas for sex can’t let her be choosy. While I do consider myself more of a cat person, it has never brought me to do something like this. I would need some kind of protection for my hands and arms since I assume Whiskers might start scratching and clawing. But if I’m going this far, then I certainly won’t go easy on her.

After the fact, the cat will be so thoroughly satisfied that she won’t need to get on that ledge ever again. We’re not talking seasons or months, I mean the rest of her life, that cat will never find herself in heat. It will be one more night of the neighborhood being woken up, except instead of an ordinary mewling cat, everyone in Hollywood will collectively ask, “What the hell is that cat noise now?” But after that, we will all be able to sleep again and the cat will be busy raising her litter of beautiful cat-people that I will love and cherish just as much.

Sometimes you have to go out of your comfort zone to do what’s best for your neighbor. Whether it is lending sugar or having sex with a desperate and horny cat in heat that keeps everyone awake, we all have to make sacrifices. While odd and uncomfortable, there is a certain satisfaction in helping others that is difficult to describe. Especially if it leads to a new relationship with animals you never could have anticipated.

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