Through a combination of the global financial crisis and thinking that Lehman Brothers was a great place to invest because he thought it was Brooks Brothers, my dad is declaring bankruptcy.
For starters, this changes the entire “My dad can beat up your dad” school-yard argument into the proud declaration that no one who can discredit credit agencies better than my old man. The thing that really pisses me off about the whole matter is that I was totally unprepared for bankruptcy because I thought it would be as fun as it is on Wheel of Fortune.
From watching Pat Sajak, I was unfairly mislead into thinking that bankruptcy would not only be good, but that there would also be a tremendous amount of joy and entertainment involved. I expected whistles, a flute-like sound effect, a hot chick prancing around and a live studio audience while a repo man would take my placard for a free cruise to Hawaii.
Not only is there little to no fun involved, but there are also no parting gifts. If you go bankrupt on Wheel of Fortune, there’s still a good chance that you’ll walk away with either cash or night at a hotel. In real-life bankruptcy, not only are you denied staying in a hotel in the greater Los Angeles, but you’re denied at every single Motel 6 because you can’t get a credit card to put down a deposit.
When you go bankrupt on Wheel of Fortune, confetti falls, there’s sparkling glitter on everything so that you’re distracted and you don’t mind that much. Plus you have the sympathy of an entire studio audience. Real life bankruptcy gets you a half-assed blog post from your kid across the country whose student loans are not wiped clean from declaring bankruptcy.
Every preparation for life that kids get is a terrible representation of reality. If you go bankrupt in Monopoly, you can hold on to dozens of hotel properties and still get $200 just by not forfeiting. Have you ever in your entire life finished a game of Monopoly? They take a week’s investment minimum with multiple players racking up hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, but you can still win a beauty pageant.
Real-life beauty pageants can be gorgeous retarded women that hate gays, and they’ll still get a book deal out of it while I’m forced to google “Chuck-E-Cheese discount codes.”
Pat Sajak’s is an _sshole, but because I was lied to by his crappy game show, I don’t have enough money to buy an “A.”