Max Lance

Most military setbacks throughout history are caused by the favored Army being more prepared for the previous war than the one they are currently losing. We have become fully adapted for the terrain and tactics of one enemy, then enter a new landscape and demands and we are caught off guard. This is exactly how I feel every time I begin a new relationship.

I had spent so long mastering the tactics and military strategy of my last girlfriend that I am completely prepared for any type of conflict or insurgency, so much so that the relationship comes to a successful armistice agreement at the end. But then when you start a new conflict with a new enemy, or girlfriend, you are completely thrown by strategies for which you don’t have a defense.

This is akin to how the United States was unprepared in Vietnam because we were accustomed to Central Europe and Korea. In Iraq, we were unprepared because we had spent so much time fighting in Central America and the Balkans. This goes all the way back to the British being unprepared for the American Revolution because the Americans didn’t fight with traditional military strategies. This is exactly the same when a girl I have started to date takes on guerilla flanking techniques to encircle the sturdy defense I had in place for my previous relationship.

Whenever I start dating someone new, I am essentially France at the beginning of World War II. I am so confident in my ability to argue and get my way because trench warfare worked well in the first World War of my previous relationship. And yeah, my argument techniques are most applicable to trench warfare. I can stick to my principles – as wrong as they might be – through a war of attrition while undertaking an onslaught of whatever the relationship version is of mustard gas.

But then I start dating a new girl who is all about the German Blitzkrieg during disagreements, and my military strategy is devastated. All of a sudden, my front line is in tatters, half my generals are dead and my men are starting to flee in droves. I know I am headed for exile in Elba (no sex) if I don’t do something fast because her I.E.D.s and VietCong are making me look bad in the media.

I can either adapt or call in allies, but since the campaign is already lost in the press, it’s really just trying to put a healthy spin on things from an economic standpoint since the war is morally lost. This leaves an uneasy peace between two nations, one of which has earned her independance, the other now a weak shell of a man from who other girlfriends are now emboldened to secede. On the bright side, these now former foes have become stabilized and – like Vietnam – can hopefully someday become a beautiful vacation destination.