Max Lance Typing

Hey, Desktop-Computer-In-Starbucks Guy, You Are An Asshole

There is actually a part of me that understands where you’re coming from. I’m unemployed. I recently graduated school. I work freelance and I don’t want to sit in my apartment all day. But taking your desktop computer into a coffee shop is going to ruin things for everyone.

How much of an asshole do you have to be to set up your entire home office inside of a mediocre coffee chain? And you have to use the extra large table, don’t you? Because you didn’t just lug your work station inside. You had to make extra trips for the monitor, computer mouse and ergonomic keyboard, you schmuck.

The oversized table – the handicapped one, the one that looks like the table itself has down syndrome – that’s where we can find you. From eight a.m. until closing time and you wonder why those pet projects of yours aren’t panning out the way you hoped. Just because the table is marked with the little handicapped logo in the corner appears to give you full license to act as retarded as humanly possible to have your home-away-from home be the coffee version of Burger King.

You are to average writing-in-coffee-shops-people what religious fundamentalist extremists are to average people who would just describe themselves as being a little spiritual. Basically, you are taking it way too far and because of YOU, asshole, we’re all going to lose out. Some douche bag executive who got a real college degree from an actual school – not the University of Phoenix class that you are either attending or teaching from your local Starbucks – is going to walk into the cafe some day.

He is going to see the heaping pile of excrement you are freeloading off the nice amenities that the rest of us casually enjoy. Despite the fact that the rest of us are sitting there for a couple hours tops, make a few purchases and are thankful for the conveniences available, that executive is going to see you. He’ll see you asking for unlimited refills, take out your earphones larger than your head, attach it to your microphone to play multi-player open universe games against twelve-year-olds and he’ll be like, “That’s it!”

One of these jerk-offs once got up to go to the bathroom. I am surprised he didn’t just start pissing all over the table then expect a barista to clean up after him. But as he got up, he leaned over to me and said, “Hey, can you watch my stuff?”

What was I going to do? Get my hands on a dolly to steal his 1998 Gateway Computer Desktop Plus with Pro-Advantage technology? I would, you fucking idiot, except I can’t use it because I don’t have a compatible dial-up modem anymore.

Is this the only way? Do you not have Internet access at home? Are you that lonely? Are you doing Starbucks a favor by not lugging your laser printer into the coffee shop as well? Just think about how you ruin everyone else’s convenience that you, yourself, will no longer have a place to be a douche bag. You’ll have to do new – and even more expensive – douche bag things. Get some common sense, and while you’re at it, get yourself a laptop.

Leave reply

Login to post a comment.

Back to Top