Every time a tub of popcorn induces a number two of destructive proportions it fails to surprise me that we can power cars on the same material.

You’d think that the link would have been made decades ago, probably by some guy sitting on a toilet having his insides wrecked by a Loews Theater super-combo.

Considering that popcorn has the ability to turn my intestines inside out, you’d think someone would have tried using the stuff as fuel ignition. You just sit there as it turns everything in your stomach to liquid, and eventually the idea, “That stuff I ate would be better suited for a carburetor,” surely enters your head.

Maybe we should stop selling this at theaters now. Granted I don’t know how I’d watch a movie without popcorn, but on the flip side, at least my evenings would free up thanks to gaining an hour of not sitting on the can.

But if we go to the movies and are regularly downing a suitable replacement for diesel fuel, either the movie theaters, car companies, or evolutionary habits are flawed. I’m not pointing fingers. I’m just saying something’s amiss.

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