Max Lance Typing

CBS Should Advertise Tiger Woods’ Masters Return Like a Maury Povich Episode

Throughout the NCAA tournament, I have been barraged by the same advertisements to the point where I can rip my shirt off to reveal Bags Fly Free better than the Southwest guys. The ads that infuriate me the most, however, are the teasers for the Masters on CBS. They are frustrating not because of their frequency or annoying campiness, but because of the wasted potential for how cool those ads could have been.

CBS is sticking with their mainstay of crappy harp music that makes you feel like you’re in an elevator at an old person’s home while they have wide shots of nature and khakis. By the way, do you think that the world’s top harpists compete to have their song on the Masters commercial? It’s the harp version of indie rock bands from Brooklyn trying to be in the background of makeout scene on Gray’s Anatomy.

Imagine how great these ads could be if they played up the event the way that everyone wants the event to be played up. The only reason that non-golf fanatics are watching The Masters is because they want to see Tiger returning to play, so why doesn’t CBS play into this fact? Yeah they have had a couple shots of Tiger putting in past years, but wouldn’t it be great if they used the same style they use in a Maury Povich ad as a way to plug The Masters?

You could have those extreme black and white closeups cutting between an evil Tiger Woods and his teary-eyed wife (try and get her to Southern accent it up by the way). You can go as rednecky as you want with your title, starting trashy with “My husband has nine girlfriends” or go for a nice pun like “9 Holes Other Than Your Wife’s.”

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You need to have the cliffhanger in the ad where Tiger Woods says, “I only love you,” to his wife, but then you show that one of his girlfriends is back stage and someone could be pregnant, bam, you now have The Masters cross promoted with a DNA test episode (always strong ratings). CBS will get nowhere keeping The Masters classy and aiming at an older demographic. With unemployment soaring, they need to combine their coverage with daytime talk shows immediately.

We need bleep-filled ads, overweight exes fighting over a ratty looking guy with a goatee and a bouncer trying to keep these behemoths apart. Then, and only then, will I watch golf. It will also finally be a true situation where the Masters will be an event unlike any other.

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