Max Lance Typing

Can We Use Bailout Money To Help Howie Long Make Manly Chevy Commercials Again?

Old commercials let him hang out with tough guys at construction sites

Old commercials let him hang out with tough guys at construction sites

New commercials show a shell of his former manly self

New commercials show a shell of his former manly self

I wonder if Howie Long hates having to wear sweater vests to sell Chevys to car buyers who are now doing research. Compared to the old ads, where he could wear what he wanted, go to a construction site and talk to tough guys all day, the commercials now are a travesty. He has to don a sweater vest, bring his daughter along and pitch to geeky white computer guys. America needs Howie Long’s swagger back.

Remember Howie Long when Chevrolet was doing well? He drove trucks that got=t fourteen miles per gallon to an oil refinery construction site then got to have sex with two girls, punch a gay dude and turn to the camera and say, “But a Chevy.” And it didn’t matter if it worked because nothing bad could ever happen to that car brand…right?

Howie Long could be as manly as his Firestorming self could be, and it didn’t matter if people could afford cars. Two years ago, they could be driven off the lot with no money down and you don’t have to pay a penny until 2014 with some lovely 45% APR financing. He would show up in the commercials looked like he just got out of a final shootout from a Michael Mann movie and just happened to have his dream Chevy there to drive off the commercial set.

But now I feel so bad for the guy. Howie Long Chevy commercials today are what it looks like when men get neutered.

The guy doesn’t get to go anywhere cool anymore. No more closeups of Chevy trucks rolling through mud on their way to scenic overlooks in the forest. Now they have to share the blank-white background with that douche bag from the UPS whiteboard commercials. I’ll bet Howie Long even has to clean up the background after the UPS guy is done. Everyone’s gotta chip in, Howie. It’s so sad.

I’ll bet that he avoids looking at himself in a mirror after he dons his new sweater vest and blazer so that he can sell cars to nerdy rich white guys. But he’s gotta do it because nerdy rich white guys are the only people buying new cars right now.

Howie looks like he wants to strangle the actors he’s stuck in these commercials with. The old commercials he would get to hang out with firefighters and construction workers who were loading up their trucks. Now he has to talk about the car’s miles per gallon, safety features and electronic stability so that an extra from Office Space will be convinced that the white Chevy Cobalt is the car for him.

The point is that we should be able to use bailout money on Howie Long himself. America needs its attitude back. And we need to start with Howie Long.

Leave reply

Login to post a comment.

Back to Top