Max Lance Typing

Build-It-Yourself Horror Movie

Just missed out on the Mother Teresa role

Since horror movies are down to such a cookie cutter formula, why can’t you plug in your own actresses-it-isn’t-working-out-for and get a solid killer and turn your $5 Million dollar budget into a $6 Million straight-to-DVD blockbuster? Follow these steps to be the next Wes Craven wannabe.

Catch a Falling Star

The most important thing is your star. But real stars don’t go for horror films, so you’ll have to aim for the kind of girl who is right on the verge of giving up on her acting dreams for porn and kinda sorta looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Your star’s most important asset is not so much acting, but more the size of her tits. In fact the size of her tits is in indirect relationship to how important her acting skills are.

The Ensemble

Once your star is lined up, you need to round out your cast with a reliable troupe of horror film mainstays:

Preppy douche bag with finance career lined up.
-Ditzy cheerleader who isn’t big on shirts.
Black guy for jokes (only for the first act)
-The bitchy bully, or in real life is known as the lesbian.
-The jock.
The creepy nerd who everyone is sure is the murderer.

The Murderer

As long as you have someone genuinely scary with a good weapon, you’re in the clear. A good weapon is described as something that was used to kill animals in the 1800s. Maces, mallets, fish hooks, axes, bow and arrows, knives and bear traps are all reliable horror bad guy weapons.

Any animal-gutting weapon works

Elaborate Backstory

Also of note is the more elaborate the backstory for why your murderer came to be, the more time you’ll need to devote to have your hero in act three explain this history. This will lead to an unbelievably long speech of about ten minutes explaining how an Indian burial ground was desecrated for a high school so that a fisherman could avenge his father’s Satanic curse’s right to freedom of religion.

No One Runs At the Same Speed

You could have Marion Jones at her most roided-out and an eight-year-old killer limping after her, but no matter how fast your victim runs, the killer is always waiting at the next turn. Don’t ruin your movie with logic.

The order of Kill

1. The minority.
2. The non-minority funny guy.
3. The bitchy girl.
4. The douche bag bro.
5. The hot cheerleader girl (see shower scene below)
6. The jock.
7. The creepy nerd who everyone thinks is the murderer.

The "Final Chapter" preceded two more sequels

The Shower Scene

Every horror film requires that your non-hero girl with the largest tits be killed while said tits are exposed. This can occur in a shower (easy, since it’s been done since Psycho), a pool (steam provides great cover), the pool house after skinny dipping (because who doesn’t have a pool house with elaborate corridors?), or a schvitz at a bar mitzvah for Jewish-themed horror films. The girl is required to think that her boyfriend is playing a prank on her, just to discover her disembodied boyfriend’s body. This is when the murderer appears and chases the naked hottie until she slips and falls, breaks her nose and waits her inevitable throat-slitting.

The Killer Never Dies

No matter how ludicrous your ending might be, you need your murderer to get away. You must leave the door open for your horror film to be complimented by sixteen bad sequels to come out the week before Halloween for the next two decades. A good way to accomplish this is to have the hero throw the murderer’s body into an incinerator and have everyone celebrate the film being over. Then a nice little coda at the end mentions, “We didn’t find the body. In the incinerator.”

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