Spider-Man's new alter-ego is a skinhead.

I saw the trailer for Spider-Man 4, which is going by the name Brothers, opening tomorrow and I can’t figure out the missing pieces between the last Spider-Man movie and this one.

The best I could figure out is that it’s a retelling of the first one, but they recasted Natalie Portman as Mary Jane and Jake Gyllenhaal as Harry Osborn. I guess this isn’t any different from when the redid The Hulk a couple years after the screwed up Incredible Hulk with Eric Bana.

It looks like the story is exactly the same, except this time, Spider-man is returning from war, not with the Green Goblin, but from a new comic book baddie known as Al Qaeda (I didn’t get a glimpse of Al Qaeda’s cool powers and costume in the trailer, but can’t wait!).

Natalie Portman picks up where Kirsten Dunst left off

Spider-Man is still split between his responsibilities to the citizens of not just New York, but to “real Americans,” but wants to provide for Mary Jane. Meanwhile, Harry Osborn/Jake Gyllenhaal can do things like cook food. Take that Army Spider-Man.

So what inevitably ensues is Spider-Man getting caught up in the love triangle between the woman he has always loved – Natalie Portman/Mary Jane – and his brother (way to up the stakes from the original Spider-man), who took care of her when Spider-Man wasn’t around.

The new Spider-Man has cool new powers, like a gun and can punch women – I think this is some new angle where they’re bringing back Venom for another sequel. I don’t care much for the Venom story line. It made Spider-Man too emo for my liking, but with his snazzy new buzz cut maybe this sequel won’t have the same problem.

Don't make Jake jealous

They have also moved the story along to where Army Spider-Man has a Spider-Child, and I can’t wait to see how the Green Goblin will try to use this to his advantage in this new war on terror/Doctor Octavius.

We can only hope that Americans can band together in the face of war/gamma rays and hope that our soldiers/Spider-Man will save us from true evil by providing spider kisses to the women that they love.

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