Max Lance Typing

Are The “If You See Something, Say Something” Signs on The L.A. Metro Sarcastic?

I noticed recently that the Los Angeles bus and subway system has instituted the “If you see something, say something” campaign to keep citizens alert of suspicious activity. Am I the only wondering what kind of a pathetic terrorist would take out his attack on the Los Angeles Metro?

For starters, what is the point the terrorist is going to make? If he sets off a dirty bomb laced with C4, nails and shrapnel and blew the entire bus or subway car to pieces, he would kill me and five Mexicans. I am not ready to be memorialized by a bunch of photos of the Virgin Mary, plastic flowers and candles bought at The Dollar Store because a terrorist didn’t know how Los Angeles transportation worked.

You know what constitutes suspicious activity on the Los Angeles subway? Riding the Los Angeles subway. “Who is that guy? He doesn’t look homeless. He might even have a girlfriend. Oh my God, he’s speaking English, call the policia!”

I have been using my monthly unlimited pass on Metro for about the past two years now and have discovered that this is what I constitute as suspicious activity:

  • A bus to arrive after seven p.m. without waiting a half hour
  • A baby accompanied by both parents
  • No one saying, “What’s that smell?”
  • A seat not taken by fourteen garbage bags
  • Lack of passenger yelling about his service in ‘Nam
  • Suits

Frankly, it strikes me as a little pompous that Metro believes it’s good enough to be attacked by a terrorist. Sort of like when a frumpy girl is afraid of getting hit on by annoying guys in a bar. Really, you? I mean, no, there’s nothing wrong with being cautious, but, y’know, sure, good thinking.

I just don’t believe that it is the best way for a terrorist to send a message to the city of Los Angeles. What good would it do to blow up the subway when the response you’ll get from most residents is, “Los Angeles had a subway?” If you want to make people pay attention here, you have to go after their cars. Block a few lanes of the 405 in the Sepulveda pass. You don’t even need to kill people. Drivers will get so mad that they’ll start murdering one another in no time.

It is like being a die-hard sports fan in Los Angeles. No one cares unless the Lakers are in game seven of the NBA finals. You have your priorities all wrong. We are all too vein, self-obsessed and egotistic to care about anyone around us, let alone the subway system that we vote year after year to keep out of nice neighborhoods. Make our iPhones stop working. Cut off the coffee distribution from Intelligencia. You’re going to have to think out of the box. In the meantime, if I see something, on the subway, bus or otherwise, I will say something.

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