Dear Sir or Madam,
Hello, my name is Max. Through supportive parents and a liberal arts education, I am under the misguided impression that I am above this, but my checking account balance says otherwise. Therefore I would like to apply for the assistant position you posted on CraigsList.
I am well-versed in all Microsoft Office programs, phones and data entry because I am not retarded. Even if I were retarded, I would probably do at least a decent job of alphabetizing your files. I am a team player in the sense that I will laugh at the stories about your kids and will ask questions about your worldview that vaguely sound like I was listening. Although I am seething with bitterness, you will never know this.
Let’s be honest. You want a human being to screen your calls in case last night’s horror-story jDate calls and I need a paycheck so I can put a couple hundred bucks away for a cool trip that will carry me through my next job. You need someone who can put your expenses into an Excel sheet, I need to be left alone so I can browse Reddit while I chastise myself for not using the down time to write my breakthrough novel about a twenty-something’s relationship with his day job.
Don’t get me wrong, I will think outside the box when I make photocopies and will get your coffee 110% of the time, but please don’t hold the opportunity of advancement over my head. I do not want a future here, I want to answer your phones and make copies until something better comes along. Maybe I have a go-getter attitude, maybe I don’t, but if I do, it’s certainly not in regards to an office, so you give me the work, I’ll do it, and let’s not have there be questions about my commitment when I leave work the second the clock strikes five.
It is my total responsibility to get my work done, which I will do, and we’ll leave it at that. I will show a complete commitment to being in the Christmas, Thanksgiving or Joyce in accounting’s birthday spirit. I will ask you how your weekend was on Monday and what you’re doing next weekend on Friday. After I have left, if we run into each other in a bar, we are drunk and of the opposite sex, I am open to having boss-former-employer sex, but please don’t hold it over my head in case I need a future reference.
Your job posting is neither my dream nor ambition. It is, however, more-than-tolerable and I am competent to do all the things your bullet pointed job listing requested. Anyone with all the qualities you listed has probably started their own business or pursued a dynamic career, but I am perfectly resigned to writing in my downtime and saving up to go to New Zealand in a year and this seems like a fair deal for both of us.
I have a flexible schedule in that most afternoons I will go for a jog so as to keep my sanity during the rest of the time that I’m in the windowless cubicle– sorry, “open air environment.” My resume is attached and I look forward to speaking further about whatever it is I’ll be doing for 20% of the eight-hour workday.