Hooray, we won a beauty pageant. Oh, wait, our entire back line is recovering from crippling injuries and we’re stuck with a jersey with a white-on-white sash on the front. The
USA jersey is a poor throwback to the 1950 England win, but maybe these will distract the Brits.
Portugal kit looks like a cartoon that has just seen a hot girl and its tongue rolled out of its mouth.
Four of the five worst jerseys have a bizarre faded image within the jersey which is never a good look (see Mexico’s Aztec jerseys). Not one of the heavy favorites, at least Japan will continue their country’s trend of perplexing fashion choices.
This is a prime lesson of why you never mess with a classic. What is that thing in the background? A person? The Italy jersey looks like crop circles around where the nipples would be, like the Val Kilmer Batman.
What could have been a classy and straight-forward red jersey (isn’t their neighbor to the north all about the reds?) is vertigo-inducing with those downward faded stripes. These jerseys look like a magic eye.
Slovenia, Charlie Brown goes to the World Cup.