Max Lance writes dick jokes in screenplay-format. A graduate of USC’s film school, his award-winning work has been published across an array of media.
Archive for February, 2010
Which Infomercial Product Is Right For Me Flow Chart
February 19th, 2010 
maxlance1 
Posted in entertainment, Graphs and Charts, shopping, television 
Tags: acupress, as seen on tv, as seen on tv zone, body by gilad, bottle tops, chia hair, chia pet, clapper, cookie diet, infomercial, infomercial jokes, infomercial products, infomercials, liftkits, plater grater, shamwow, slapchop, smart mop, snuggie, th121, tv 
No Comments »Did Hollywood Stars Bet On Who Could Do The Worst Boston Accent?
February 18th, 2010 maxlance1 Shutter Island opens today, which adds another to a long line of movies that for no apparent reason go unnecessarily out of their way to feature a star performing his rendition of a terrible Boston accent. Mark Ruffalo can finally join the ranks of Robin Williams, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Ben Affleck, Jack [...]
Posted in entertainment, language, Movies, travel Tags: bad boston accents, ben affleck, boston, boston accents, boston dating, boston girls, butchered boston accents, casey affleck, chicks, haiti, haiti earthquake, haiti earthquake movie, hot boston girls, hot chicks, leonardo di caprio, mark ruffalo, mark wahlberg, martin sheen, massacheusetts, matt damon, shutter island, terrible boston accents No Comments »Do You Think The Pairs Figure Skaters Plan Their Routine Beforehand or Just Wing It?
February 16th, 2010 maxlance1 I was watching those figure skaters during the Olympics and it really made me wonder whether the pairs figure skaters go out there knowing what they’re going to do, or if one starts doing something and then the other one’s like, “OK, sure, let’s give that a try.” I was also wondering how to milk [...]
Posted in entertainment, girls, sports Tags: 2010 olympics, canada olympics, china figure skating, chinese figure skaters, czech republic, figure skating, figure skating championships, figure skating outfits, figure skating teams, gold medal figure skating, kavalier and clay, nancy kerrigan, olympic figure skating, Olympics, pairs figure skating, russian figure skaters, skating, slovakia, tonya harding, usa olympics, vancouver olympics 1 Comment »Build-It-Yourself Horror Movie
February 16th, 2010 maxlance1 Since horror movies are down to such a cookie cutter formula, why can’t you plug in your own actresses-it-isn’t-working-out-for and get a solid killer and turn your $5 Million dollar budget into a $6 Million straight-to-DVD blockbuster? Follow these steps to be the next Wes Craven wannabe. Catch a Falling Star The most important thing [...]
Posted in entertainment, girls, Movies Tags: bad horror movies, can't hardly wait, dvd, emmanuelle, final destination, friday the 13th, halloween, halloween horror movies, horror, horror films, horror movie formula, horror movies, how to make a film, how to make a horror film, how to make a movie, I know what you did last summer, jason, jennifer love hewitt, jenniver aniston, nightmare on elm street, porn, scary movie, scream, straight to dvd, wes craven No Comments »Toyota’s NHL Sponsorship Conjures Images of Sliding Out of Control
February 15th, 2010 maxlance1 I went to an L.A. Kings game last week, which is always fun because it’s way more preferable to watch an NHL game alone in a quiet arena. It’s good to have a ten-to-one player to fan ratio at sports, so glad the NHL’s investment of hockey in the Southland is finally paying off. The [...]
Posted in commercials, entertainment, los angeles, sports, Uncategorized Tags: 2010 winter olympics, car ads, car recall, car sponsorships, cars, free toyota, funny olympics, funny toyota, hockey, ice hockey, kings, la kings, los angeles kings, luge crash, national hockey league, nhl, nhl lockout, nhl sponsors, nhl sponsorships, olympic hockey, swimming, toyota, toyota contests, toyota fail, toyota hockey, toyota recall, toyota sponsorship, vancouver olympics, win toyota, winter olympics No Comments »I Hate When The Weather Girl’s Giant Tits Block The Weekend Lows
February 8th, 2010 maxlance1 I know it sounds obnoxious to complain about the weather report in Los Angeles, mostly because you really need to go out of your way to find a weather report. If you’re going to start an argument involving local jet streams in L.A., then you’re really doing it just to be a dick. But there [...]
Posted in entertainment, Favorites, girls, los angeles, news, television Tags: ads, advertisements, anchorman, antarctica, barometric pressure, cold, dew point, driving, girls, hot chicks, hot weather girl, jet stream, l.a., la traffic, los angeles, los angeles weather, news, north face, penguins, ron burgundy, sexy weather girl, spanish news, telemundo, television, traffic, tv, weather, weather terms, weathergirl, women 1 Comment »Whenever John Travolta Plays a Bad Guy He Looks Like a Tool Ad Executive in 1990
February 3rd, 2010 maxlance1 Why is it that every time John Travolta plays a bad guy, instead of looking evil and menacing, he looks like he’s a mid-level douche bag executive in the mid- to late-1990s experiencing a textbook mid-life crisis? It’s always the standard play-by-play for how to enter your 50s in complete denial. He either shaves his [...]
Posted in entertainment, Movies Tags: 2010 oscars, academy awards, action movies, bad movies, battlestar galactica, films, from paris with love, funny movies, halle berry, john travolta, john travolta bad guy, john travolta reviews, martin lawrence, matrix, movie reviews, movies, new movies, oscars, pelham 123, razzie awards, razzies, scientology, swordfish, the matrix, travolta No Comments »Age Vs. Number of Noises Made While Sitting Down Graph
February 1st, 2010 maxlance1 Posted in Graphs and Charts, health Tags: age, ageing, aging, elderly people, funny noises, getting older, grandma, grandpa, grandparents, hoackey, hoaky, old noises, old people, old people noises, old people sounds, old timer's day, old timey, race jokes, racism, racist jokes, screaming, stories, storytelling, the elderly No Comments »
Max Lance is a writer, producer and performer. He was nominated for a Student Emmy, Humanitas Fellowship and was a finalist for the Page Screenplay Award. He writes features, TV and syndicates his blog while hosting the travel show The Trip Next Door and working at Chernin Entertainment. A New York City native, Max graduated the USC film school and now lives in Los Angeles.