I Lose Fights With My Girlfriend For The Same Reason Unprepared Armies Lose Wars in New Terrain

March 10th, 2010 No Comments
Most military setbacks throughout history are caused by the favored Army being more prepared for the previous war than the one they are currently losing. We have become fully adapted for the terrain and tactics of one enemy, then enter a new landscape and demands and we are caught off guard. This is exactly how I feel every time I begin a new relationship.

I had spent so long mastering the tactics and military strategy of my last girlfriend that I am completely prepared for any type of conflict or insurgency, so much so that the relationship comes to a successful armistice agreement at the end. But then when you start a new conflict with a new enemy, or girlfriend, you are completely thrown by strategies for which you don’t have a defense.

This is akin to how the United States was unprepared in Vietnam because we were accustomed to Central Europe and Korea. In Iraq, we were unprepared because we had spent so much time fighting in Central America and the Balkans. This goes all the way back to the British being unprepared for the American Revolution because the Americans didn’t fight with traditional military strategies. This is exactly the same when a girl I have started to date takes on guerilla flanking techniques to encircle the sturdy defense I had in place for my previous relationship.

I have no defensive strategy for this.

Whenever I start dating someone new, I am essentially France at the beginning of World War II. I am so confident in my ability to argue and get my way because trench warfare worked well in the first World War of my previous relationship. And yeah, my argument techniques are most applicable to trench warfare. I can stick to my principles – as wrong as they might be – through a war of attrition while undertaking an onslaught of whatever the relationship version is of mustard gas.

But then I start dating a new girl who is all about the German Blitzkrieg during disagreements, and my military strategy is devastated. All of a sudden, my front line is in tatters, half my generals are dead and my men are starting to flee in droves. I know I am headed for exile in Elba (no sex) if I don’t do something fast because her I.E.D.s and VietCong are making me look bad in the media.

I can either adapt or call in allies, but since the campaign is already lost in the press, it’s really just trying to put a healthy spin on things from an economic standpoint since the war is morally lost. This leaves an uneasy peace between two nations, one of which has earned her independance, the other now a weak shell of a man from who other girlfriends are now emboldened to secede. On the bright side, these now former foes have become stabilized and – like Vietnam – can hopefully someday become a beautiful vacation destination.

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No One Knows How To Count Down A Sports Clock Correctly

March 1st, 2010 No Comments

This has been a serious pet peeve of mine going on two decades now, and I don’t know where I could send an angry letter regarding this matter. Ideally, this blog post will go so viral that it will never be an issue again, but seriously, can we all, as a public, learn how to correctly count down a clock at a sporting event?

Whenever anyone counts down a clock – especially one that shows tenths of seconds – everyone is always a full second ahead. I can no longer take the awkward moment of silence when the entire stadium has counted down to zero, but there is still a full second left in the game. It’s maddening, does this really not irk anyone else?
Here is the problem: people only count down the first number and don’t take the tenths of seconds into account. Usually when there is ten seconds left in a game, the countdown begins, but that’s also when the clock is broken down into fractions of seconds.

Yell 3 here, not two.

This leads people to chant the number five as soon as they see the big number five, but they ignore the fact that they’re saying five when the real time is 5.9 seconds. This is actually six seconds. As soon as the clock changes to 5.9, instead of yelling five, everyone should yell six. Yet every time I yell this logic out at Madison Square Garden, no one does anything about it.

Awkwardness ensues

This is despite the fact that the same problem continues to occur at every single basketball game played every day. When the clock gets down to two, one, zero, everyone is off by a full second. All due to the fact that when the clock flips to 2.9, everyone is yelling two instead of three.
Because of this, there is the numbingly awkward pattern of people counting down, “Three…two…one…” and when they get to zero, there is no buzzer. They have to wait that extra second, which causes a lot of people to either yell the word, “Zero,” make a buzzing sound themselves, or just stand awkwardly with no idea what has happened to their universe. If we could all agree on counting the number three when the clock shows 2.9, the buzzer would ring when it is supposed to and we wouldn’t have this problem as a society any longer.
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Which Infomercial Product Is Right For Me Flow Chart

February 19th, 2010 No Comments

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Did Hollywood Stars Bet On Who Could Do The Worst Boston Accent?

February 18th, 2010 No Comments

Shutter Island opens today, which adds another to a long line of movies that for no apparent reason go unnecessarily out of their way to feature a star performing his rendition of a terrible Boston accent. Mark Ruffalo can finally join the ranks of Robin Williams, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Ben Affleck, Jack Nicholson and Mel Gibson of hitting the career pinnacle to perform a terrible Boston accent in a feature film.

Why have there been so many movies that take place in Boston for no reason whatsoever? Shutter Island, The Departed, Edge of Darkness, Boondock Saints 2, Fever Pitch, all in the name of letting a star who might not be able to locate Boston on a map give his rendition of butchering the local dialect.

There are a few theories that might account for this. First is that there is simply a bet between A-List Hollywood stars to try and see who can put the worst Boston accent on screen. This would be plausible and certainly explains the outcome, but the motivations wouldn’t be there and it’s too ironic to be gleaned from pure joy.

It could be akin to how Twitter trends start where Robin Williams gets the nod for Good Will Hunting and adds the little #BadBostonAccents hashtag to his IMDb credits, so now everyone wants one. It’s like how word spread about donations to Haiti except the first part of the word, “Earthquake,” sounds like, Eaauuath.

I feel bad that this movie features Ben Kingsley’s terrible Boston accent. This is an esteemed actor who played Gandhi, and now we have to envision Gandhi accidentally drinking the roofie-spiked green beer that Sully intended for Denise to drink so they could have a wicked crazy night.

The most likely explanation is through a clerical error that gave a focus group at the Dorchester Mall way too much influence over Hollywood executives. As though there was a mixup that says, “Average Americans’ Taste,” refers to a group of Bruins fans who just dug their car out of a wicked nor’easter.

This will lead to a whole slew of Hollywood tentpole releases skewed to a suburban Boston audience and mar (sorry, maaahhh) cinema for the next decade. We’re in for a whole slew of movies starring Ben Affleck as an Irish Catholic alcoholic placed in a romantic comedy with Tilda Swindon, who snaps and decides to assassinate homosexuals while undercover as a hockey player.

So as you slog through all the deleted scenes of Mark Wahlberg trying to crack himself up by saying, “Pahk the cah at Hahvahd Yahd,” just remember that the cinema’s portrayal of Boston and Bostonites is 100 percent on the money.

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Do You Think The Pairs Figure Skaters Plan Their Routine Beforehand or Just Wing It?

February 16th, 2010 1 Comment

"Quick, do the leg raising thing, yeah right leg...now."

I was watching those figure skaters during the Olympics and it really made me wonder whether the pairs figure skaters go out there knowing what they’re going to do, or if one starts doing something and then the other one’s like, “OK, sure, let’s give that a try.”

I was also wondering how to milk this one joke for an entire post, but do you think while they’re skating out from the side to the center of the ice they’re whispering to each other, “Let’s do the flip,” and the other’s like, “I don’t want to do the flip!” So the first one is like, “I’m throwing you whether you like it or not,” so the girl’s like, “You can throw me but I’m not flipping.” And then they do the whole thing with smiles on their faces. It’s unbelievable.

Or do you think they make up the whole thing as they go along? And if so, why don’t I see them talking to each other while they’re dancing? This would put the Olympic pairs figure skaters on par with the World Wrestling Federation in that it’s perfectly choreographed while they both have no idea what’s coming next.

Now the only thing we would need is for the Russian judge to get knocked out with a steel chair, thus allowing Arn Anderson to “guest ref” and give the Slovakian skaters a 7.0, I know, 7.0! While the fans of the Czech team cry foul. It’s a good thing that the highest and lowest scores get eliminated in case this were to occur.

And more importantly, do you think they shop for clothes together or do they just show up and hope they’re matching? I’m voting for the ladder because the dudes are trying anything at this point. If they knew in advance how to dress, maybe they would go for a tuxedo or a hockey uniform. But I think they stopped by American Apparel and spotted a white sequin vest and were like, “She’ll definitely like that. It’s gotta match.” And then they show up and she’s like, “Not again,” but not only is there no time, but every team is bailed out by every other team’s fashion mistakes.

The point is that maybe if these dancers planned a little more in advance, the USA could win more medals. Maybe that’s not the point, but I’m yelling “U.S.A.!, U.S.A.!” all week either way.


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Build-It-Yourself Horror Movie

February 16th, 2010 No Comments

Just missed out on the Mother Teresa role

Since horror movies are down to such a cookie cutter formula, why can’t you plug in your own actresses-it-isn’t-working-out-for and get a solid killer and turn your $5 Million dollar budget into a $6 Million straight-to-DVD blockbuster? Follow these steps to be the next Wes Craven wannabe.

Catch a Falling Star

The most important thing is your star. But real stars don’t go for horror films, so you’ll have to aim for the kind of girl who is right on the verge of giving up on her acting dreams for porn and kinda sorta looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Your star’s most important asset is not so much acting, but more the size of her tits. In fact the size of her tits is in indirect relationship to how important her acting skills are.

The Ensemble

Once your star is lined up, you need to round out your cast with a reliable troupe of horror film mainstays:

-Preppy douche bag with finance career lined up.
-Ditzy cheerleader who isn’t big on shirts.
-Black guy for jokes (only for the first act)
-The bitchy bully, or in real life is known as the lesbian.
-The jock.
-The creepy nerd who everyone is sure is the murderer.

The Murderer

As long as you have someone genuinely scary with a good weapon, you’re in the clear. A good weapon is described as something that was used to kill animals in the 1800s. Maces, mallets, fish hooks, axes, bow and arrows, knives and bear traps are all reliable horror bad guy weapons.

Any animal-gutting weapon works

Elaborate Backstory

Also of note is the more elaborate the backstory for why your murderer came to be, the more time you’ll need to devote to have your hero in act three explain this history. This will lead to an unbelievably long speech of about ten minutes explaining how an Indian burial ground was desecrated for a high school so that a fisherman could avenge his father’s Satanic curse’s right to freedom of religion.

No One Runs At the Same Speed

You could have Marion Jones at her most roided-out and an eight-year-old killer limping after her, but no matter how fast your victim runs, the killer is always waiting at the next turn. Don’t ruin your movie with logic.

The order of Kill

1. The minority.
2. The non-minority funny guy.
3. The bitchy girl.
4. The douche bag bro.
5. The hot cheerleader girl (see shower scene below)
6. The jock.
7. The creepy nerd who everyone thinks is the murderer.

The "Final Chapter" preceded two more sequels

The Shower Scene

Every horror film requires that your non-hero girl with the largest tits be killed while said tits are exposed. This can occur in a shower (easy, since it’s been done since Psycho), a pool (steam provides great cover), the pool house after skinny dipping (because who doesn’t have a pool house with elaborate corridors?), or a schvitz at a bar mitzvah for Jewish-themed horror films. The girl is required to think that her boyfriend is playing a prank on her, just to discover her disembodied boyfriend’s body. This is when the murderer appears and chases the naked hottie until she slips and falls, breaks her nose and waits her inevitable throat-slitting.

The Killer Never Dies

No matter how ludicrous your ending might be, you need your murderer to get away. You must leave the door open for your horror film to be complimented by sixteen bad sequels to come out the week before Halloween for the next two decades. A good way to accomplish this is to have the hero throw the murderer’s body into an incinerator and have everyone celebrate the film being over. Then a nice little coda at the end mentions, “We didn’t find the body. In the incinerator.”


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Toyota’s NHL Sponsorship Conjures Images of Sliding Out of Control

February 15th, 2010 No Comments

Toyota promotes its new hockey-stop brakes

I went to an L.A. Kings game last week, which is always fun because it’s way more preferable to watch an NHL game alone in a quiet arena. It’s good to have a ten-to-one player to fan ratio at sports, so glad the NHL’s investment of hockey in the Southland is finally paying off.

The most striking thing to me about the game though was how much Toyota was featured as a major sponsor. Doesn’t sliding on ice with difficulty in stopping and crashing into the boards seem like a bad association for Toyota right now?

In fact, there was actually a questionable hit where a player was driven face-first into the glass/windshield directly above the Toyota logo. He limped off the ice with blood pouring down his face while sporting his new pair of permanent glasses.

To make matters worse, the intermission show between the periods was not only sponsored by Toyota, but featured the logo prominently in the competition. Two players, both sliding and falling and hurting themselves because they had to walk on ice without traction – thanks Toyota – had to take shots from various distances.

But each distance was marked by the word Toyota spelled out across the ice. So one shot was from the T, then the O and so on. Whichever one missed first, lost, and would be branded the Toyota loser of the night.

The thing was though, each letter was highlighted and fans were uged to yell out the letter as the players moved along. Maybe a decent idea on paper, but it resulted in thousands of people screaming a trailed-off letter in Toyota’s logo. So instead of a brainwashed arena of new car drivers, you had the “O” highlighted in Toyota, with a bunch of people yelling, “Whoa! Whoa!” You might as well have each letter stand for something, like, “O! As in, Oh shit, we’re gonna die!” “A! As in Aaaaahhhhhh!”

Thanks Toyota, and thanks NHL. I want my money back.

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I Hate When The Weather Girl’s Giant Tits Block The Weekend Lows

February 8th, 2010 1 Comment

Get your tits out of the dew point's way

I know it sounds obnoxious to complain about the weather report in Los Angeles, mostly because you really need to go out of your way to find a weather report. If you’re going to start an argument involving local jet streams in L.A., then you’re really doing it just to be a dick.

But there are a solid three weeks every year when you need to know what’s going to happen tomorrow. I know it infuriates people on the east coast to here southlanders complain when it dips below sixty degrees, but this is why North Face exists.

The local news stations know that you’re not going to watch the weather report, so the only way they can get you to stick around is by having a gorgeous model who is a half-rung above porn star tell you that it’s going to be seventy degrees and sunny tomorrow. You need to be a D-cup minimum if you want to be a weather girl in Los Angeles because that’s the only way they’re going to get their ratings up.

But the problem is that these girls’ giant tits frequently block the weekend lows. Normally it wouldn’t be a problem because you know that it’s going to be eighty during the day and sixty at night with four clouds, but when it matters, it’s a huge inconvenience.

There are some nights where you need to know if you’re going to be freezing or stuck in the rain, and you turn on the weather just to see a Victoria’s Secret Wonderbra getting in the way of the five-day accuweather forecast while Yolanda Ramirez chuckles at the sports guy’s way-too-heavy come-ons.

I would be totally fine with this except for when the weather is bad. Can’t LA local news stations make this investment on a serious Jewish guy to come in and break it down for you for two weeks a year? You can have Yolanda in there 95% of the time, but when I need to see what the dew point is going to be, I want Benjamin Goldfarb in there explaining barometric pressure to me.

If these local affiliates are committed to the L.A. area, they’ll save the weather girl’s tits for another rainy day.


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Whenever John Travolta Plays a Bad Guy He Looks Like a Tool Ad Executive in 1990

February 3rd, 2010 No Comments

Like the foot soldiers of douche bags

Why is it that every time John Travolta plays a bad guy, instead of looking evil and menacing, he looks like he’s a mid-level douche bag executive in the mid- to late-1990s experiencing a textbook mid-life crisis?

It’s always the standard play-by-play for how to enter your 50s in complete denial. He either shaves his head to try and play the baldness off as cool or grows it out too long in back while everyone else in the office is on Google Chat saying how much of an idiot he looks like. Then he tops it off with some retarded facial hair that he read about in Wired magazine when he’s really just hoping it will draw some attention away to the terrible decisions he made with the hair on top of his head. As though people will think the facial hair is so idiotic that they won’t comment on how stupid his hair looks.

Then he tops it off with overpriced sunglasses that he saw a character wear in a movie and some jewelry (because that’s what the kids do!) and you have movie after movie of John Travolta looking like a fumbling idiot instead of a menacing bad guy. Swordfish, Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3 (the original of which came out three years before Saturday Night Fever) and From Paris With Love, which will be out of theaters three days after it opens.

Which is why I don’t understand why they don’t make him a world-conquering bad guy who is motivated by his mid-life crisis. This would be the role of a lifetime for John Travolta. Let’s say you have a guy who finds out that all his coworkers say he’s the joke of the office behind his back (inciting incident, thrilling!). And to get revenge, not only does he leave his wife and then fail to pick up anyone without buying a fast car to trick women into bed with him, but he sets out to take over the world motivated by his desire to have people think that he’s cool.

What I’m saying is that John Travolta could engineer an entire version of The Matrix so that humans are all unconscious and being farmed to power this company while they’re all in a dream land that makes them think John Travolta is cool.

Finally we would have a role where his retarded goatees and bald hat and trying to look cool while being in a poorly-staged car chase would fit perfectly. Martin Lawrence co-stars as the wise-cracking friend who’s going through the same thing but approaches it with humor and appeals to the entire race of people that would never see a John Travolta movie. Gold.

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Age Vs. Number of Noises Made While Sitting Down Graph

February 1st, 2010 No Comments

agenoisesml

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